Being "properly present" to others - with or without a mobile!

Rosemary asks a very good question in her comment. I wanted to think a bit more about it. Yes, I agree, Rosemary. I'm equally unsure we can ever be fully or properly present to another person. Or at least, if we are to be, it requires of us levels of attentiveness, inner hospitality and outward welcome that we seldom achieve. But then again, hopsitality, attentiveness, 'the unselfing of the self' that is agape love, and perhaps the sheer celebration of the presence of an other - these seem to me to be moves towards that fuller awareness that in your own good phrase, would mean 'properly present'.

Not much of the above is even possible with a mobile phone clamouring successfully for our attention. As you say, such respectful attentiveness to the presence of the other, by seeking to be fully present ourselves, is really hard.

In the end I suppose our own presence to others, and theirs to us, requires that mysterious connection of purpose, attention and human recognition that we call relationship. Since reading it years ago, I've found J V Taylor's description of the Holy Spirit as the "Go-Between God" a helpful image of the God who enables, supports, enriches such intentional responses between us and others. Prayer too, then becomes an opening up of ourselves to the God whose presence is the promised and already given gift. Something here reminds me too of what Martin Buber taught us about I-Thou as the essential disposition of one human being in relation to another.

One of the 'problems' of prayer, dealt with in countless traditional prayer manuals goes under the heading "Distractions". The reason it was thought to be a problem was precisely because a distraction moves our attention, focus, concentration, away from the presence of God - at that moment something or someone else becomes more important. The gift of the self to the other is withdrawn. We are no longer paying attention, and that seems to me to be a diminishing of the value of the Other.

There's more to all this, and I think I'd like to come back to it when I have thunk about it more. Also interested in what other readers of this blog think about how we can be 'properly present' to others. It seems an important question with significant pastoral implications.

Comments

[helen]

It is possible to be 'properly present' to others, but it means a heavy investment of yourself and I certainly can't sustain it for very long. It also depends alot on my own mental/physical/emotional state, who is talking and what they are talking about.
Being 'properly present' to God, for me, takes time to deliberately quieten myself and to take down my internal defences so that God can do stuff.
Something I have realised is that while people consider me a 'huggy person', for me it's not the actual physical contact that is important. Many people hug without it making a difference. When I hug, it is a means of being fully present to the other person. That kind of therapeutic hug doesn't need words, doesn't last long, but makes a huge difference because of being fully present.

[chris]

The most "present" I have ever been for someone was when a dear friend was dying. I would sit with him to give his wife time out with the dog on the beach - which probably looked very noble of me. But in fact I cherished every moment there, every word he said, and every part of my being was focussed on him because I knew the time together was coming to an end. Twelve years on it remains a hugely significant six weeks. One evening, he said suddenly "I think this is what being in the communion of saints is all about". I think he was right.

I think what I'm saying is that when you can't help yourself you achieve perfect commitment; you are totally immersed in the moment and nothing can distract you. If you are fortunate enough to identify such a moment, it gives a touchstone for the future - and you know when you fall short of it as well!

[Jim Gordon]

Thanks Helen and Chris. The spontaneous hug and the six week accompaniment - both hinting at the discipline of caring, but then communicating the deeper gift of presence. Chris, "when you can't help yourself you achieve perfect commitment" is for me an important truth in pastoral spirituality rooted in the rality of God's enabling grace. Presence is a gift we each receive; perhaps that gift is the recognition of the communion of saints, our togetherness in Christ, the healing of our deepest loneliness - part of 'the reonciliation of all things'.